I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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