Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
birth control should be required to get into college
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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