I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
