So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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