I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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