Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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