I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
