She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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