chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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