I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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