ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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