mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
