Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
