every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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