you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
