every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
