I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
