The best revenge is premature balding
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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