Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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