Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
