Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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