Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
