The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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