Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
