The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
