At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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