It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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