i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
