brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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