next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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