im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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