Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
