so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
