The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
