I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
