I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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