Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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