i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
