She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She even gives head with a lisp.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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