Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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