Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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