I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I love you. Go after that dick
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
