ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
