onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
