yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need a beard to bite.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
