somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
