I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
