I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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