I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
