Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
