there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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