evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
